So there’s this challenge. A self-portrait challenge. Two AMAZING photographer sisters o’ mine (the superbly talented & delightful Tara Whitney and my lovely & fabulous friend Dana Pugh of Short and Sweet Photography) have thrown down the gauntlet and I could simply not resist joining in the fun. Little did I know what pain and terror awaited me. I’m mostly joking. The following is my journey…
Like most photographers, I much prefer being the person behind the camera than in front of it. Although during a photo session I encourage my clients and family to act naturally, pretend I’m not there, show me your authentic self, blah blah blah…I do understand that’s easier said than done. Case in point: my attempt at self-portraits over the weekend. I find that as I get older, it’s more and more difficult to produce an image of myself that matches the one I have in my head (y’know, the one where I’m still 16 years old?). More often than not, my eye goes directly to my flaws, instead of my strengths. My brain says things like: “Is that really what I look like when I smile? Why is my eye doing that weird thing? When did THAT new line appear?” The whole “you are your own worst critic” thing. Definitely NOT something I want to pass on to my daughters, but there it is. The truth.
As a result of these struggles, my first thought for a self-portrait is to include my children. I am, after all, a mother. It’s a huge and important part of my identity, I think. Certainly a valid piece of my “self”. I decide to get a shot of my girls and I during our Sunday read-in, cozied up in our big bed with books and pillows.
My other idea? My sweet babies hugging me. Another example of me, right?
But here’s the thing: I’m hiding in those images. Yes, it’s me there, but only the momma part of me. I decide to be brave and do some shots of JUST me. Yikes. Scary, but necessary. So here’s a little improvement: me taking a picture of myself in my bathroom mirror. Hardly original and still hiding. Playing peek-a-boo, really. With a cute shower curtain as the backdrop, yes, but hiding nonetheless.
What is the BIG STUPID DEAL?, I ask myself. It is just your FACE, for crying out loud. No big whoop. I try again. And (this will come as no surprise to my friends)…I am compelled to make a crazy face. It just happens, almost involuntarily. I do this for a while, getting it out of my system.
OK, I tell myself. No more fooling around. Take a nice, simple shot of your face already. I try different lighting. Different backgrounds. Different angles. I give in to my habit of creative cropping to mold one shot into something I like. For some reason I can’t explain, I cannot get enough of the tilty half-face! It’s my thing, I guess. I like the shot well enough, but know I must find the courage to complete my mission for full facial disclosure. Back to my camera I go.
And…ta da! I finally get one with which I am happy (especially after meeting up with my old friend, photoshop, for a tiny bit of sprucing…no harm in that, right? let’s not get TOO crazy with reality). I feel it’s a good representation of the REAL me. The Tara I see in the mirror and the one people who love me know. I breathe again, relieved to have found her.
[ I apologize for the teeniness of these two last images. I original had them full-sized, but oh my land! My face was positively GIGANTIC in those! I am talking alarmingly large. So these will have to do. Baby steps and all...]
You know what else occurred to me? The times in my life when I feel the most beautiful are not necessarily when I look my best. Nursing my babies. Being told by my daughters that they want to be just like me when they grow up. A fistful of dandelions from my son. Lounging in my dad’s fishing boat, with the wind blowing my hair. Crazy laughter with a life-long friend. Sitting with all the grace and courage I could muster at my mom’s funeral. Holding hands with my husband as we fall asleep. This is the beauty that does not fade and will not be judged. True and authentic beauty.
And although I am proudly and undeniably a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend…I am also Tara. Stripped of all the other titles, there is just me. I am finally learning to nurture that scary, but wonderful fact. I believe I deserve that.
What I have learned from this fabulous, difficult, important project is this: we are all worthy of feeling beautiful. Even if the face you see in your reflection is changing, aging (who isn’t?), not what you hoped it would be…it is YOURS. It belongs uniquely to magnificent, glorious, extraordinary YOU. And that is enough.
[Kisses to you, Tara & Dana, for the gentle peer pressure...so glad I gave in.]
Also, if you are a photographer participating in this challenge, please leave a link to your blog post in the comments section below. We’d all love to take a peek. Thanks!
♥ t.
